SECRETS + SIGHTINGS

SECRETS

Agent Showdown: Die versus Vie

By Kippy Winston

the agents face off

Agents Rachel Viola and Di Glazer face off.

At a recent Theatre Trivia Night at High Dive bar in Park Slope two of downtown’s (and uptown’s) most beloved agents, Di Glazer and Rachel Viola, faced off. (For the purposes of rhyme we will henceforth refer to the duo as Die and Vie, respectively.)

The Trivia Night was attended by luminaries—who live near and far from Park Slope—such as Kip Fagan, Heidi Schreck, Alaina Ferris, Paul Ketchum, Erin Courtney, Scott Adkins, Mac Wellman, Jeff Jones, Helen Shaw, Alexandra Collier, Charlie O’Leary, Branden Jacobs-Jenkins and Michael Bulger. Eliza Bent was due to arrive but fog in Bucharest delayed her landing.

“I hadn’t seen the Swellman in an age and my lady and I live real close to High Dive,” says playwright Ketchum. “It was a fun and laidback atmosphere,” adds Ferris. “We were catching up with old friends and talking to those people you sort of know but never actually talk to in a theatre setting.”

“It was just a fun evening of mates hanging out trading trivia bits and eating popcorn,” says playwright Collier with signature Australian enthusiasm.

But when, Antje Oegel, another agent of the downtown sphere, showed up the evening took a turn for the worse.

“Die and Vie were having a friendly and competitive banter, but when Anjte walked through the door shit got real,” says journalist Helen Shaw. “I can say that because I’m tri-partisan, right?”

Evidently, upon Oegel’s arrival, Die and Vie began to do shots of tequila and argue loudly about the merits of naturalism in the American theatre.

Says Oegel, “I just threw my head back and laughed and laughed.”

Mis-Handeled All the Way to the Bank
13P Still Fundraising

By Reginald Mantooth

Handel, frowning all the way to the bank.

Handel, frowning all the way to the bank.

Despite promising “this is the last time we will ever ask you for money,” as well as, “Seriously. It really is,” the imploded production company 13P is still raising yearly donations and grants in excess of $100,000 a year.

13P, the most innovative model for the production of new plays since the Festival of Dionysus, is well known for the fundraising prowess of its Managing Director Rob Handel. 13P’s motto, “we don’t develop plays, we do them,” was both a revelation to the production starved playwriting proletariat, while also being notoriously offensive to play development centers the world over.

After the group’s infamous 2012 implosion that was heard all over Brooklyn, Queens, and seedier parts of Lower Manhattan, the location of these donations, which can no longer fund the Kickfarter campaigns of the New Ohio’s upcoming season of shows, is yet unknown.

When asked for comment, 13P alumnus Anne Washburn stated, “I wouldn’t know. I never trust anyone who sits in an armchair cross-legged and Rob Handel certainly does.” Erin Courtney, whose 13P extravaganza Map of Virtue won an Obie and brought her immeasurable fame at the expense of $50,000 of other people’s money, said, “I can’t imagine where this money would be. Rob is quite trim, so he couldn’t possibly be hiding it on his person.”

Handel did not return repeated phone calls for comment, despite this article’s author waiting around his own apartment for days because he doesn’t have the money to rent his own rehearsal space. In a related story, residents of Pittsburgh have been reporting a strange signal in the skies over Carnegie-Mellon, ominously shaped like the defunct theater company’s logo.

Missed Connections: For the theatre set

Compiled by Radnom Stragner

Substitute the books with a Playbill and you know what we mean.

Substitute the books with a Playbill and you know what we mean.

Hot Date Gone Bad in a Good Way W4H
It was after we had those black margaritas and tied our shoes the wrong way. I said you reminded me of Hieronymus Bosch. You said I could go to Hell. Meet in the Second Circle and we’ll see how deep the earhole goes…?

Hope to See You in Dreams M4W
You looked at me on the subway. Was it a smile? I had something in my nose, you laughed and got off at next stop. I got off at the stop after that, realized I’d never been to that area before, and went into deli to ask for directions. I walked out with a pack of Oreos and half gallon whole milk. I meant to get lighter. Milk that is.

Will I Ever Learn? W4W
The coffee is stronger than it usually is. My hands can feel the heat through the mug. I burn my lips on the flavor. I feel like this has happened to me before…

Hope to See You in Jeans M4P
I left you in my pocket. I put you in the wash. Msg me for details?

Lookin for Somethin/Someone I Might Know but Im not sure if I do yet [It Might Be Me)
(Sorry.,. Im wasted) ?4?
Night. After the party. Sifting against the wall waiting for the subway at the Ksyoszcko stop. I could fear the bass, I could heal the screams, and a cruel liquid ran down the Crack of my Throat. I pulled it together and there you were. My Future. You grabbed me by the Eyes, you Showed me Something Glorious, it was Enormous and FULL of Vibrating Colors and Verdant Sounds and I SAW EVERYTHING I would BECOME…..!.1!!@$&^ Too much Happiness! I coUldn’T Keep it togetHer anynnore. I panicked. I Ran. We lost hold of each other and I fell black to Earth and mislaid myself all over the flatporm. I didn’t even say think you. Will I ever sea you again? Did I below it?

SECRETS FROM VOLUME 1

Secret Agent: Antje Oegel
oegel

A vacation look or a painful disguise of her true identity?

She may be agent to the (downtown theatre) stars, but the perennially well put together Oegel has been hiding a big secret: She’s actually from Detroit.

A source close to Oegel reveals that she went to a Montessori school in her youth and learned German from a very young age. “I mean, her German is flawless, she speaks it really well,” the source says. “But that slight German inflection, and feigned cluelessness regarding 80s sitcoms? It’s all a hoax.”

The source, who requested to remain anonymous, admits Oegel pulls it off well. “I think Antje thought pretending to be from East Germany would give her a leg up, a kind of cool authenticity that would establish her reputation among artists as a solid connector to European festivals and presenters. I mean, it’s definitely worked.”

A birth document reveals Oegel’s real name to be “Anne Osmond.” Says the close friend, “It breaks my heart that Annie won’t come clean about her Mid-West upbringing. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Oegel/Osmond could not be reached for comment.

Jeff Jones: A Hidden Past

Advanced Google research reveals that Jeff Jones, one of downtown’s premiere playwrights, is in fact a former centerfold. “Ya got me,” Jones says in mock stick-em-up posture, hands waving in the air.

USE THIS_sexy-jeff

Should “Little Theatre” be retitled “Little Runway”?

These days the playwright is best known for sporting business suits (he works by day at Golden Sacks) and a white tuxedo coat when hosting “Little Theatre,” a monthly performance series at Dixon Place. “I did the modeling stuff in college, ok? It was just to pay some bills,” he reveals.

“I never knew,” says Little Theatre co-curator Normandy Raven Sherwood. “Obviously he’s photogenic, but this is definitely a shock.” Scott Adkins, another co-curator, says with a slow and drawn out nod. “I had my suspicions. Oh yes. I had many suspicions.”

Jones admits to having fond memories of his modeling career. “I got to know all kinds of designers. Calvin [Klein] and Ralph [Lauren] and I still play golf. Karl Lagerfeld and I had a falling out, but who didn’t with that one? Let’s see: Diane Von Furstenberg and I had a love affair. Same with Anna Wintour. Total ice queen! Back then I went by the moniker El Jeffe. I don’t think any of them knew or know I’m a playwright.” Would he ever consider a return to the runway? “Sure, if I were approached to do another campaign today I’d probably do it. Who doesn’t want somma this?” he says with a waggish shimmy.

Sightings

Make-up maven Naomi Raddatz and sartorial svengali Enver Chakartash were recently spotted in a shopping mall in Singapore. A passerby heard Raddatz say to Chakartash, “Don’t you love it?” to which he responded, “Defo.” It is unclear what exactly they were talking about

Director to the stars Knud Adams was recently seen buying red plastic cups at a bodega in Greenpoint. “Another Monday, another reading,” he quipped before adding, “I don’t know
what, if anything, is killing the American
theater, but music stands aren’t helping.”

Actors Lucy Kaminsky and Tavet Gillson were last seen running lines at a Dunkin Donuts while Ben Kamine ordered the group iced coffees. Kamine was overheard saying, “Anyone hear from Eliza yet?”

Abigail Browde and Michael Silverstone of 600 Highwaymen were spotted in the Zurich airport recently eating Toblerone. A passerby informs The Radish that Mark Russell was hot on their trail.

Leah Nanako Winkler, Morgan Gould and Dominic D’Andrea were recently seen on the Internet.

Sightings FROM VOLUME 1

Under the Radar’s Mark Russell was reportedly last seen in the Zurich airport eating a Toblerone. Sources cannot confirm whether or not he had a flight. One thing’s sure: he wasn’t watching theatre.

Notable dramaturg Morgan Jenness recently spotted sun tanning at Jones Beach. Sources say she uses Neutrogena SPF 40 and was reading a copy of Virginia Woolf’s The Waves.

Dan Safer, Kaz Phillips, Michael De Angelis and Mike Mikos of Witness Relocation and ANIMALS were last seen on the top floor of Abu Dhabi’s Rosewood hotel taking part in an amateur juggling club. Drinks paid for by NYU.

Matt Maher, star of Anne Washburn’s Mr. Burns, last seen on 9th Ave and 44th Street eating a giant chocolate chip cookie and talking on the phone with main squeeze actress Rebecca Henderson. A passerby reports the star to have said, “I gotta go babe. I’m late for fight call.”

Clubbed Thumb’s Maria Striar was recently sighted at the 34th Street post office. Prelude curator Caleb Hammons spotted her, but was unable to say hello due to the throng of people and the fact that he’d already mailed his package.

Actor Karl Allen was recently seen in New York City. Evidently he no longer resides in the sixth borough,  the city of Philadelphia cream cheese. Casting directors take note.

Aaron Landsman was recently sighted in Park Slope helping an elderly woman cross the street and carrying her groceries. The two were discussing the changes in the neighborhood.

Theresa Buccheister was last seen entering a butcher shop in the East Village and requesting a pound of bologna. “This for some play?” the butcher was reported to have asked.